Week 2 Class Task: Deconstruction of an email

Letter 4.4:

Grammar:

    Overall, the letter's grammar seems to be mediocre. Grammatical mistakes happen occasionally and the phrasing of the letter could be improved. Though emails could tend to be a little more casual, the addressing and closing of this letter could be formatted better. 

    Also, the number of words in the email exceeded the stipulated word count by more than 10% (30 words), which is undesirable.

    Sheila does demonstrate the ability to use several complex punctuations correctly, such as brackets and semicolons. Her sentence structure is for the most part decent as well. This shows that sheila does have good knowledge and practice of grammar.

Clarity & Relevancy:

    In general, the email is relevant to the points that are required to be made. The objective of the email is fairly clear and the sentences within it are more or less understandable. I could understand her various talking points and comprehend the links of her provided examples.

    However, Sheila occasionally includes unnecessary phrasing or information that may not be relevant to the point being made. She also has a tendency to drag sentences out or combine them, when they instead could be split into separate sentences. This might confuse readers upon the first read.

Structure:

The overarching structure of the letter is accurate. Each paragraph addresses a point and each point is accompanied by examples. The flow of the email sounds alright.

However, the email seems to lack a closing paragraph summarising the thoughts and/or feelings expressed. To me, this makes the email seem incomplete.

In the last paragraph, it seems to me that there could be two talking points. One addresses sheila's need to refine her grammar and another defends her ability to convey her thoughts and ideas. Personally, splitting the latter into a closing paragraph seemed like a better opportunity.

Tone:

The tone of the email is more casual and less formal, which is fitting given the purpose of the email. Sheila's interesting use of language and phrasing makes her seem like a cheerful and enthusiastic person. 

Edited Sample:

Dear Professor, 

This is an introductory letter to allow you to know me better. I am currently studying engineering at the Singapore Institute of Technology as a first-year student. Unlike most students, I graduated from a junior college (National Junior College). I received my A-level certification in the science stream in 2021. This aided me greatly in the various modules that I had to take. I managed to achieve some exemptions as junior colleges are infamous for their rigorous curriculum. My interest in engineering developed as I was always fascinated by mechanical robots. Both device components and operating systems interest me greatly.

 My hobbies are unorthodox for my age; I really enjoy gardening, cooking, and listening to classical music. These hobbies have contributed to the development of my analytical skills and aesthetic sensibilities. Planting, tending a garden, creating a sumptuous meal, and assessing the intricacy of a classical symphony requires certain levels of attention and precision. I chose to study engineering as it is a platform where my creativity and critical problem-solving skills can be put to good use, for the benefit of society. 

 From this module, I wish to improve my communication weaknesses. I need to refine my ability to be an engaging presenter and writer. Though I am fairly fluent in English, I often fear that I might lose track of my talking points. I also worry that I may lose the interest of my audience as this would cause me to panic. In terms of writing, I need to refine my grammar and trim the frayed ends of my organizational skills. At times I slip into Singlish as I write, and often my formal essays don’t keep focus. 

This is not to discount my capacity to present thoughts and ideas, but there is always room for improvement. I am thrilled to strive for more effective communication and sharper thinking through this module!

Yours sincerely,

Sheila Shankar